The Sound of Music, 2002

It's official. I am moved in, and have had my first official social gathering. Thanks to all for coming over and hanging out. Hopefully it wil be the first of many; we don't get together enough!

On other fronts, I finally broke and watched a FOX reality show. Joe Millionaire is quite possibly the most offensive, anti-feminist show on television. The women were, for the most part, money-grubbing hos and the "millionaire" is a big dumb lunkhead. Having said that, I'm completely hooked by the snark potential and I will be tuning in for every episode. I feel so dirty.

And I am soooo disturbed by the touring cast of Jesus Christ Superstar that's coming to town soon. Sebastian Bach is playing Jesus. Yes, the Sebastian Bach from Skid Row. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The nominations for the Grammy awards came out yesterday. (Here's a partial list of the nominees.) You know, I'm not sure why I still care about these stupid awards. The wrong people always win, and I spend the majority of the show cursing loudly and throwing things at the screen. Now, I realize that the recording industry is vast and the people that vote on the awards can't possibly listen to everything that comes out, so the nominees are mostly top 40 artists. I don't listen to the radio all that much, so I am not all that in touch with the artists that are "graced" with nominations. However, I still feel the need to comment on the selections and pick winners, and this year I'm sharing them with you. So be warned: these are choices not based on talent or unit sales. They're simply the babblings of a highly opinionated out-of-touch thirtysomething in Cincinnati.

Record of the Year - Wow. I feel so out of touch. I don't know half of these songs. I've heard that Norah Jones has a lovely voice (from Flounder), but I've yet to hear a note. I do know the Nickelback song, but I kind of wish I didn't. This is how you remind me/How much this song sucks..." As much as I hate to say it, I'm rooting for Eminem.

(Dear Eminem: I hate everything you stand for. You're a misogynistic jerk. Please stop writing such catchy songs. No love, Myo)

Album of the Year - BRUUUUUUUUUUUUCE! That is all.

Song of the Year - Perhaps I should explain that last outburst. I was a moderately big Springsteen fan in high school. While I will probably never buy another of his albums, the man writes well-crafted songs like nobody's business. I've heard this song (unlike most of the other nominees), and after hearing an endless barrage of schmaltzy 9/11 tributes and gung-ho jingoistic patriotic crap, I was moved by the beautiful simplicity of the Boss's latest offering. I'm behind "The Rising" all the way in this category.

Oh yes, and Avril? Please go away.

Best New Artist - Wait, Avril, come back. Come back and win this award. If you will I can be assured that you will disappear forever. Please win this award. Not because you are deserving, but so you can save John Mayer from the curse attached to this award.

Female Pop Vocal Performance - Um. I really like that Pink song. Yeah, it's been played out, but so has that Sheryl Crow song. Didn't "Soak Up the Sun" come out two years ago? Or does it just seem like it because Sheryl Crow has been omnipresent in the last year? And while it is technically a better quality song, it's never made me want to shake my groove thing. "Get the Party Started" indeed.

Male Pop Vocal Performance - AKA the Old Men Who Haven't Done Anything of Note Lately Category. Elton John? James Taylor? And Sting? While I attest that "Fragile" is a beautiful song, I refuse to root for you because it seems like you've been coasting on this song for years. It's your "cause" song, and it gets dragged out of the mothballs whenever something tragic happens. I was tired of it when it served as the theme for a very special episode of 21 Jump Street. I'm all for John Mayer on this one. (As cheesy as this song may be, it gives me - to quote Anthony Kiedis - "that funny feeling in my tummy.")

And who is Craig David, anyway?

Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal - Gotta go with No Doubt here, because that song is unbearably catchy. Behold the power of Gwen.

Pop Collaboration with Vocals - The India.Arie and Stevie Wonder song was used in one of the few holiday commercials that didn't make me cringe. However, it ain't nothing compared to the dancing Joe Boxer guy. My vote's with Tony Bennett and k.d. lang on this one.

Pop Instrumental Performance - Dear Moby: I was going to root for you here, but to honest with you I don't even remember what this song sounds like. I've only listened to this album twice, and all I could think of when I played it was how much it sounded like Play, Part 2. Therefore, I'll be over in the B.B. King section until you choose to write an album that's not a retread of a previous one.

Pop Instrumental Album - Kenny G? John Tesh? Ewwwwww. This is the category of evil, and I will abstain from making a decision here.

Pop Vocal Album - Britney, I don't care if BT produced a few songs on this album. Your fifteen minutes is still up.

As I have not heard any of these albums, I will have to go on hearsay. As previously mentioned, Flounder has recommended Norah Jones, and Zappagirl says that the No Doubt album kicks ass. Advantage: No Doubt, again due to the Gwen quotient.

Dance Recording - Dirty Vegas is immediately disqualified due to that crappy Mitsubishi Eclipse dancing robot girl commercial. Groove Armada gets my vote due to that non-crappy Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial from a few years back. Yeah, yeah, it was for a different song, but... Kylie Minogue is starting to creep me out.

Daniel who?

Traditonal Pop Vocal Album -Tony Bennett, all the way. Bernadette Peters Loves Rogers and Hammerstein? Yes, yes, and Joanie Loves Chachi. I believe that Michael Feinstein merely exists to be nominated for this category. Rod Stewart? What happened to the hard-rockin', spandex-wearing, do-ya-think-I'm-sexy guy?

Female Rock Vocal Performance - Anything, anything, anything but "Sk8er Boi." That song makes my ears bleed, and it's the only one I know in this category. How sad is that?

Male Rock Vocal Performance - AKA the Old Alternative Rock Guys Category. Despite the good things I've heard about Elvis Costello's new material, I'm going with David Bowie here. Roger Mexico played Heathen for me a while back, and it blew me away. I heard the Peter Gabriel song a few months ago, and it didn't leave a lasting impression. Plus I really can't support him until he stops dressing like Dr. Evil.
Not that any of this matters. Bruce is going to win this one, too.

Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal - I like the U2 song, but isn't it too old for consideration? I've not heard the Aerosmith song, which is surprising since WEBN plays them every twenty minutes (in between the AC/DC and the Led Zeppelin). "Hero?" Meh. Overplayed, and not that great to start with. I know I'm suposed to like Coldplay - they're supposed to be brilliant, but I find them boring. I'm going for the dark horse here - Tonic, the most underrated band around.

Hard Rock Performance - I'm so torn. I really like the System of a Down song, mainly because this is the first song of theirs that I've been able to understand the lyrics without hearing a Richard Cheese cover of it. (Zappagirl: Why did you leave the keys upon the table?) However, my love for Dave Grohl knows no bounds, so I can support a win from Foo Fighters or Queens of the Stone Age.

Metal Performance - No contest in my book. Rob Zombie, because the song kicks major ass, and I'm a little scared of him.

Rock Instrumental Performance - Again, I must respectfully abstain from making a decision here. I know little about this category, and none of the nominees merited more than a "meh" from me.

Rock Song - See above comments about my Dave Grohl love. Foo Fighters, all the way.

Rock Album - As much as I am opposed to an album winning in two categories, BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!!!

Alternative Album - Wait. Elvis Costello had two albums out this year? I am so out of touch. And I'm writing in a vote for Sigur Ros, just because I think they deserve it. In fact, I'm going to go listen to them right now....


You know, maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead. And consider renting a movie on February 23rd to just save myself the pain. Looking over this list was almost as painful as watching Crossroads.