Redecorating on New Year's Eve

I had big plans for today.

As a Christmas bonus, the head honcho at the Zoo granted all of the full-timers a day off to spend with our families. And I did. Today, the kitties and I slept late and lounged around the house doing very little on the physical side. The kids moved with me to the couch, where they continued their afternoon nap. I chose to watch movies; I had a few that had arrived from Netflix that I'd not yet seen.

One of those movies was Me Myself I. For those who haven't seen it, it's about a thirty-something single woman questioning the decisions she's made in her past life. And, since I am also a thirty-something woman constantly questioning my decisions in life, I really connected with the story.

The story follows the "alternative reality" plotline. Suddenly the single career woman who finds her life lacking in love and hapiness is immersed in the life she would have had with "the one that got away," the boyfriend whose proposal she's declined years ago. She had to learn how to adapt to a completely foreign life, one with a husband and children and all the consequences that had resulted from the decisions that accompanied those actions.

And no, I haven't had that kind of experience. I have, however, been looking at my life over the last little while. I've looked at where I was five years ago, one year ago. I've become rather introspective about the Myo that was, and the Myo that is standing here today.

(And I've been having dreams about people that I've not seen in years, and I wonder what they mean. Are they trying to tell me something? Am I supposed to be learning something here?)

I've noticed something. Somewhere over the course of last year, I think I grew up. I'm not sure when and where it happened, but I think I passed a milestone unaware. And as much as I'd feared and resisted it in the past, I think it was a good thing. I care about my home. I care about my job. I care about where my life is headed more than I ever have.

I still have my vices. I smoke. I drink. I slack off whenever I get the chance. (Like today, for example.) But somewhere along the way, I started to care more. I think I became more aware of the world around me. I've looked at decisions and situations that I wasn't happy about, and decided to change them. I've tried to think about what was good for me. I don't mean that in a selfish way. There have been many points in my life when I haven't liked myself as a person and haven't really given a shit about what happened to me, or what happened around me. I was stuck in this little self-loathing bubble, and waked through my life with no regard to what resulted from my actions.

Somewhere in the course of stumbling through my life, I became aware of the fact that I could change things. I didn't have to accept whatever Life threw in my path. I could make decisions to not do thing that made me unhappy. And slowly but surely, I've been trying to make important changes and decisions that affect my life and my surroundings.

I've recently come into contact with a person who seems as lost as I was a year ago, but is handling things in a different manner. Where I looked up from the mess I'd made and realized that some things needed to change, this person is awash in where Life has led them, but doesn't seem to want to make the effort to want to change and improve matters. And while I want to help, I understand that person needs to make the personal decision to want to change, and I can't offer any assistance until that important decision is made. Watching this person in this situation is frustrating, like watching myself last year if I'd made different choices in my life.

I'm not faulting that person. Each person must come to their own decisions about the life they lead and what they want to do with it. Just because I care about that person doesn't mean that I have follow them into their own personal darkness. I can be there for them when they call for help, but I have my own life to lead. I have my own path to follow. And I think I like where I'm going.

I didn't make any resolutions for New Year's. I was still in the process of moving in to my new home, mentally and physically. I decided to postpone my statements and observations until the Chinese New Year, since it fell upon a weekend and a new moon, and conveniently was on February 1st. And so today, on New Year's Eve Redux, I decided to spend the day contemplating the path I've taken over the last year or so of my life. I didn't get my laundry done. I didn't go to the grocery store. I didn't get my DSL installed. I didn't paint the bathroom. I sat on the couch and watched movies, and just thought to myself.

I discovered the secret life of my cats. Every night there's a power struggle in the apartment, with flying tackles and claws drawn. However, in the lazy afternoons, they curl up together in slumber, occasionally awakening to bathe each other's ears.

I answered an email from Roger Mexico, and smiled about how happy hearing from him made me, how much I trusted him with my life.

I looked at myself as a completely different person, me in a new skin. I looked back on the things I'd changed about my life because I like the new me, and was happy about being me, newly empowered and anxious about my life.

Of course, there are still changes I want to make. Things I'd like to fix, things I'd like to arrange differently. But for the moment, I just want to look back at the last year, and marvel in how much has changed in my life for the better. I'll think about the road ahead and how far I have to go tomorrow. New Year's Day is the time for new promises and heartfelt vows. New Year's Eve is the time for celebration of time past.