Play By Play, Pay By Pay

4:25 p.m. - OK, I'm trying a little experiment today. I'm going to watch the Super Bowl, like much of America. Beer will be quaffed. Salsa and chips will be eaten. And I will be writing this entry as I watch, commenting everything except the game.

I'm not a big football fan; I half-heartedly follow the Green Bay Packers every year, and annually hang my head in shame for the Bengals, but I don't religiously block out my Sunday afternoons to watch all season. However, almost every year I do sit back to watch the Big Game. Or, to be more precise, the Big Ads. As manipulative and evil as the advertising world is, I'm fascinated by the way business presents itself to Joe Consumer, and at two million dollars for a thirty second spot, this should be the cream of the crop.

And given my penchance to comment on award shows and pop culture as I see it, I've decided tonight that I will write as I go, and be assured that I actually get around to posting my thoughts. (I have three pages of witty observations about the Golden Globe Awards that I never got around to posting, and by now Sharon Stone's famewhoring and Lara Flynn Boyle's tutu are yesterday's news.)

This may turn out to be a really choppy post, depending on how much editing I get done during the actual game (as well as how much Bud Light I drink). I'll give time checks as I go. The experiment begins in 1:55.50....

(OK, a preliminary comment. Jimmy Kimmel saying goodbye to cable was funny. He made Joan Rivers cry! He interrupted Inside the Actor's Studio, and James Lipton thought they were cancelled! The Sopranos dumped him into the river! Unfortunately, he started talking football, and I tuned him out.)

1:55 to go. Back in a while.

5:06 p.m. - By the way, I'm not watching the pregame yet. I had just tuned in earlier to get a kickoff countdown, but I'm not all that interested in the dissection of the two teams playing in less than two hours. Malcom X is on channel 19, and the EasyView rerun of Smallville just started a few minutes ago. I watched it on Tuesday night, but it was a good episode - chock full of cheesy goodness - so it'll be something fun to watch until I turn over to the last few minutes of the pregame coverage.

I'm already out of salsa. Damn. At least I have Bagel Bites and microwavable popcorn. I've decided not to start the fine American tradition of having a few brews and watching the game until the game actually starts. I'm finishing off a pot of coffee, left over from this morning, instead.

Major thanks to Zappagirl for the leftover Bud Light from last night, and for getting me the deal on my laptop. The experiment wouldn't be possible without them....

Since there is no pregame fashion show, I'll have to cover that myself. ... Myo is looking particularly unstunning in a faded set of men's cotton pajamas from the extensive Wal-Mart line, and rainbow striped PowerPuff Girls slipper socks. Her hair is in a sloppy ponytail held back with a black scrunchie.... Hey, it's snowing, it's cold, I have nothing on the agenda. I think that calls for an all day jammies day.

Back to Smallville. The power of Lex compels me.

6:04 p.m. - Oh dear. Has James Cameron really sunk so low? Ah-nuld just did the bumper for the team introduction, using a T3 tie-in. I know there's supposed to be a trailer for the movie later, but that reading of "Are you ready for some football?" (complete with the Terminator cyber-eye) just left a bad metallic taste in my mouth.

Pointless Honda Element commercial about a road trip.

ESPN commercial with people from all walks of life yelling at the basketball game on TV. Hee, it's me from the year the Packers won the Super Bowl a few years back.

Did we really need a new Dragnet? With Al Bundy?

NOOOOOOOOO!!! Celine Dion is singing "God Bless America" for the eight millionth time. What happened to her retirement to raise her kids? (And I still have to deal with her selling Chrysler products later. Ick.) Also, she looked like she was lip-synching.

The Dixie Chicks sing the National Anthem. I think they're lip-synching too. Come on, folks. I sang live at a Reds game with my show choir a cappella, and we did 4 part harmony.

Ugh. Why is Pizza Hut trying to sell me pizza with the marriage-hungry stereotype? Ick, ick, ick.

Missed a few commercials in there when I got a long distance Name That Tune call from Kansas. Glad I could help, Tammy. Hang in there; you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Coin toss. Time to get a beer.

6:30 p.m.The Budweiser commercial with the zebra reviewing the replay between the two teams of Clydesdales was great. I toast the folks at Anheuser-Busch, or at least their advertising team. Much better than Bud Bowl.

Celine Dion covers "I Drove All Night" for Chrysler. Roy Orbison rolls over in his grave. I'm too busy trying to stop my ears from bleeding to see what model car she was shilling this time around.

I was already spoiled for the Pepsi Twist featuring the Osbournes and the Osmonds, but I still giggled at it. Poor doddering Ozzy!

Fed Ex comes through with a clever self-referential Cast Away satire. Would Tom Hanks have been smart enough to open the package and find the GPS and phone?

Shania Twain, Sting, and No Doubt are the halftime entertainment. I really don't know what to think about that.

America gets its first official glimpse of The Hulk. Looks cheesy as hell, but I'm still intrigued by the fact that Ang Lee is the director. Hmmm. Bryan Singer did some fun stuff with X Men. Are all cool directors doing a comic book movie?

Bud Light industrial fridge pull... didn't do much for me. Anheuser-Busch slips to .500 in my book.

Dodge Ram Heimlich commercial. Ewww. This makes me want to buy your truck how?

Matrix teaser. That was very cool, and I need a smoke now.

Michael Jordan plays one on one with younger version of himself for Gatorade. Nice effects, and I still like Mike.

ESPN SportsCenter. Super Bowl ring in the soup. Is grosssituations involving food going to be a running theme tonight? Because, ewww.

Anger Management. I have no interest in seeing this movie whatsoever. Adam Sandler still owes me $2.00 and 90 minutes of my life for Little Nicky.

H&R Block. Willie Nelson. Shaving cream. Hee hee. (Makes mental note to do taxes soon.)

Bud Light, featuring what can only be described as the literal interpretation of a drinking asshole. Hot dogs? EEEK!!! I'm not sure if I think it's funny or disgusting. I'll have to think about that one.

7:00 p.m. - Yao Ming Visa commercial. Yo! Yo! Gi! At the moment, it's funny, but it could be the "Waassssuuuuuppp?" of the future.

Terrorist drug commercials. I'm not going to get into my rant about how much I dislike the latest commecials that combine the War on Drugs and the War on Terrorism. Maybe another time. Right now there isn't enough time or space.

All Star Sunday next week on ABC. So what? I won't be watching. It's sports.

A local (Cincinnati Bell) commercial. Doesn't move me to expand my services. Oh, except to get DSL. (Have I mentioned lately that dialup sucks?)

Veritas? I have no idea what this show is, but if it conflicts with the snark-o-licious trainwreck of schadenfreude that is Joe Millionaire, forget it.

Bud Light. That man is wearing a dog on his head. Oh my. Stupid, but I giggled.

Daredevil - I know very little of the background on this comic, but I know that I dislike Ben Affleck in non-Kevin Smith movies. But Kevin has weighed in that the movie adaptation looks good, I think. What a dilemma!

Monster.com blows up a bunch of stuff with a runaway truck. I'm not impressed.

Sierra Mist. Yeah, it's like that. Yeah, I still don't want any.

I like Michael Jordan. I like Jackie Chan. I like the new Hane's tagless shirt commercial.

See, a sentimental anti-smoking commericial about talking to your kids is much less offensive than those damn Truth commercials!

Alias commercial. I still don't want to watch this show.

Sierra Mist, anthropomorphizing baboons. Yeah, it's like that. Yeah, it's still stupid.

Trident commercial. The awful truth behind the 5th dentist apparently involved a squirrel up his pants leg? Weird, and funny as hell.

Bud Light commercial involving an occupied sea shell being held up to a guy's ear. Ick. Bodily harm doesn't make me want to drink beer.

From the creator of The Sixth Sense: Miracles. Wasn't this show already on? Wasn't it called Mysterious Ways?

7:30 p.m. - Whew. I never realized how many commercial breaks there were during the Super Bowl. I keep falling behind.

Bad Boys 2 - sorry, Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay equals no Myo in the theater. Even if you do use a BT song in the background.

Visa commercial with the twins (whose names escape me) redux. "So you're watching the Super Bowl, and you're playing in the Super Bowl." Hee!

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. So the new Terminator is a girl. And I care why? Too little too late, King of the World.

Levi's commercial with the couple standing in the middle of a bison stampede. What does this have to do with jeans?

Melissa Rivers will be a "contestant" on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!. A thousand tons of hell no, I won't watch this.

7:45 p.m. - Gilligan's Island satire for mLife. Dumb anachronisms don't sell me cel phones, little buddy. But a monkey with a cold and "shook up ramen" will win my heart every time.

This entry is getting long. I may start a new one at halftime. Right after I put some Bagel Bites in the oven and run to the bathroom.

Crazy? Don Cheadle? For the NFL? Um, seeing as how I didn't watch many games this year, I can only nod and smile.

Jimmy Kimmel debuts with George Clooney. I'm there.

The Practice moves to Monday nights. I'm not there.

Dear Rolling Stones: Please stop selling "Start Me Up." I'm losing interest and respect.

Potty break! Continued next entry....