Game? What Game?

The play by play continues:

United Way commercials with NFL players crack me up. Where does lightning come from?

The halftime show starts. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Who dresses Shania Twain, and why haven't they been arrested yet? And oh yeah, she's lip synching too. The second song in her medley featured that Cher-like voice distortion. How disappointing.

No Doubt is not lip synching. Go Gwen! (And yes, Gwen is dressed like a freak, but we expect it of her, and somehow she pulls it off, unlike Shania Twain.) Although I could have done without the ska-pop cheerleaders.

Sting opens with "Message in a Bottle," and I remember why I thought he was so cool in the 80s. Gwen duets with him. Somewhere, Stewart Copeland is sitting at home cursing at his television. No Doubt is sitting in as his band, and they look like they're having the time of their lives.

8:15 p.m. - The referees are "reviewing" The Bachelorette. Eww.

20/20 will be featuring an interview with Jason Priestly. Glad to see he's doing OK, but I'm not all that interested.

Local advertising. Blech.

And a Foo Fighters/P.O.D. medley leads us back into the second half. Um, that didn't even mix. Poorly done.

(Mmmmm. Bagel Bites.)

8:35 p.m. - Bruce Almighty? God Almighty, no.

Diet Pepsi does the "parents not acting their age" joke, this time in a mosh pit. I try to imagine my parents in a mosh pit, and fall over laughing, despite the stupidity of the commercial. This is why I drink Diet Coke.

Hotjobs. com features a bunch of folks singing "The Rainbow Connection." I have a soft spot in my heart for that song, and could probably be convinced to buy almost anything with it. Winner of the "Aww, Sweet..." award of the night so far.

Alias is on after the game. Yeah, whatever. I'll be watching something else. Putting Jennifer Garner in her underwear will not convince me otherwise.

8:50 p.m. - I just realized that this is Super Bowl XXXVII. Thirty seven?

Bud Light does the "girlfriend will look like her mom in twenty years" joke. Another weird butt joke. I'm suddenly losing my taste for Bud Light. I might switch to Captain Morgan and Diet Coke for the rest of the game.

Subway. Jared dreams about new sauces? How sad a life he must lead.

Charlies Angels: Full Throttle. Stupid girls-kicking-ass fun! Yay! With Bernie Mac as the new Bosley. Not sure how they're going to explain that one away, but I'm willing to suspend a little disbelief.

Cadillac commercial with retro guy getting on a train. Is that what the new model looks like? I'm not impressed.

Anti-marijuana commercial featuring anxious parents giving daughter an EPT test. I hate this campaign, because any one of them could be re-edited with the word alcohol and make the same point. Oh, but alcohol's OK, because it's legal, and Anheuser-Busch threw an awful lot of money at this evening.

George Foreman grill... you know, I've had one for years and have never used it. If I had something grillable I'd break it in later. Wonder how Morningstar Farms Prime Grillers would taste on the Foreman?

Are You Hot? No, but I'm disgusted.

Reebok introduces Terry Tate, office linebacker. Did I hear him right? Cover sheet? TPS reports? Tee hee! Guess I'm watching Office Space after the game.

Bud Light, again. A third arm? That's it. No more beer tonight. Hello, Captain!

9:20 p.m. - Smirnoff Ice commercial. A blind date with a mullet and chivalrous intentional mistaken identity. Scary guy in mullet ("The Brad" - there's a carpentry joke there somewhere...) is homophobic, but I suppose it's OK since he was supposed to be the guy we didn't like? Sometimes political correctness confuses me.

More local ads. I'm not in the market for a new home, and I won't be getting Skyline Chili unless they've suddenly started delivering. Whatever.

Budweiser, guy tunes out girl discussing emotional issues for play-by-play commentary. She thinks he's a good listener. Is this saying that women are easy to fool, or that men are insensitive jerks? I'm thinking way too much about a beer commercial.

"No next year" ESPN commercial with fans stating that their teams will be contenders next season. Funny, you don't hear that much in Cincinnati.

Another Cadillac commercial. Still don't care.

Alias is still on after the game. See above comment.

9:36 p.m. - Sony urges baby boomers to spend their money frivolously by paying to take Lance Bass's spot on the Russian space mission and videotape it for the kids in lieu of a trust fund. I do like the cover of "Carry On" by Alana Davis though, and appreciate the fact that they told me who it was. Sure beats tracking it down on the internet.

Antiques Roadshow satire for mLife. Until you can improve my clarity, I won't be losing my regular phone in favor of my cel. And how would I get online?

Budweiser designated driver Tim McGraw with the talkative uncle. I think I've been trapped in that car before.

"Leaving your cash at home - priceless" debit card, with the Dead Presidents waiting up for the guy. Poor Lincoln looked so worried!

AOL Broadband. The ISP of hell. I got a "welcome to the neighborhood" packet from the Post Office, and there was an AOL setup disc in it. They're everywhere....

8 Simple Rules, According to Jim. This is what I miss for Buffy. Oh well.

9:52 - MyFICO.com. Again, not looking into buying a house anytime soon. No comment.

The Osbournes on DVD! Whee! How bloody f***ing brilliant.

10:04 - Michelob Ultra commercial. How much does it crack me up that there's now a beer for the Atkins Diet?

Tennis Masters Cup. I don't watch much tennis anymore. No comment.

Bon Jovi is the post-game entertainment. And now "Living on a Prayer" is stuck in my head. Great.

10:08 - Just got a very nice email from MyoMom. No, Mom, I don't think you're hokey at all.

10:13 - Just saw that last touchdown. Huh. Did I just miss a good game?

Bucs win, 48 - 21. Um, yay? I really don't know. The shots of John Lynch and his little boy were awfully cute. I'm such a girl sometimes.

Ohhhhh, we're halfway there.... ohhhhh, livin' on a prayer....

10:18 - Bud Light commercial, with men ogling a yoga class. Ewww.

Athlete's foot remedy. I really didn't want to think about athlete's foot tonight.

The Monster.com truck commercial is still not funny. Bring back "I want to be a yes man!"

10:22 p.m. - Lisa Marie sings? What? How did I miss that?

Bon Jovi opens with "It's My Life," which has that same waaaah waaaah sound as "Livin' on a Prayer. But I must admit, Jon has aged well, and he finally got rid of the Jersey Hair. Instrumental accompanies of previously recorded interviews with the winning team. As I don't know diddley squat about the players, I just want them to get back to the music.

The Vince Lombardi trophy is presented. Ooh, how official. And I still think that Paul Tagliabue is a funny name to say. Tagliabue! Tagliabue! It's kind of neat that the Bucs coach is the youngest coach to win the Super Bowl, too.

10:32 - The running of the bulls, according to Cadillac. I think this is my cue to leave.

OK, what have we learned from this little experiment?

First, we have learned that recapping the Super Bowl ads live is a job best left to the professionals. I'm exhausted. I need a nap.

Second, we have learned that the ads weren't as good overall as they have been in year's past. Granted, it was better than last year's solemn patriotic themes, but overall I was disappointed. And the Budweiser/Bud Light commercials were extremely sub-par. Usually, they're the only sure thing at the Super Bowl.

And apparently pop and country crossover divas are afraid to sing live.

There. I'm done. Maybe next year, the Packers will play and I'll actually watch the game.