Crash and Burn

(Written in the Philadelphia airport)

So here I am, waiting at my gate. Time - 7:40 am. Time my flight departs - 2:25 pm. 6 hours, 45 minutes. Argh.

Not that I had much choice in the matter. Given the office politics going on in Roger Mexico's department, he had to be at work by 9:00, and I had no other way to get to the airport.

I think I maybe slept for 20 minutes last night, which is worse than not sleeping at all. It's just enough downtime to piss off my tired body.

The cats, in their nightly attempt to kill each other, knocked over a rack of CDs at 5:00 am this morning. To me, it sounded like a gun shot, and I started checking my body for holes. It was literally that loud.

So the first thing I did upon "waking" was make coffee and take my multivitamin, and now there's a war going on inside me. Body exhausted. Brain wired from the caffeine. Hands shaking from wired brain and lack of sleep. Stomach nauseous from taking multivitamin on an empty stomach and moving vehicle.

On the way to the airport, NPR did a story on improving the short term memory of air traffic controllers to avoid runway mishaps. The last thing I needed to hear while my body was fighting to stay awake was a rundown of airline disasters and near misses. Yeah, that won't make me nervous at all.

I could have done without the two traffic near misses as well. Some idiot nearly ran us off the road on the way to the airport. Roger Mexico leaned on his horn, while I just tried to get my heartrate back to normal. And then at the airport a BMW almost plowed into us in his attempt to find a place to atop in the white zone.

("The white zone is for loading and unloading...)

Great. Now I'm quoting Airplane! in my head. Hey brain, why don't you just throw the airport scene from Rain Man into the mix?

(Charlie: Ray, all airlines have crashed at one time or another, that doesn't mean that they are not safe.
Raymond: Qantas. Qantas never crashed.
Charlie: Qantas?
Raymond: Never crashed.
Charlie: Oh, that's gonna do me a lot of good because Qantas doesn't fly to Los Angeles out of Cincinnati, you have to get to Melbourne, Melbourne Australia, in order to get the plane that flies to Los Angeles!
Raymond: Yeah, Melbourne is the capital.)

Lovely.

There were some things that could have gone better on this trip. I could have successfully tracked down Crew. I could have reminded Roger Mexico to get film for his camera so I'd actually have pictures. I could have slept somewhere that wasn't the site of Kitty Smackdown. I could have done without the two days where I was almost too depressed to move, feeling generally worthless, worrying Roger Mexico to the point where he badgered me with questions about my well being.

But overall, I'd say it was a good trip. I got a bit of exercise, saw two good movies and one OK one, got some writing done, finished reading my book, ate pretty well, got to sightsee in a city I'd never been to before, had a fabulous 14 hours in NYC, and managed to untie at least a few wires in my head for a little while.

And, of course, I got to see Roger Mexico.

With the physical distance between us, our friendship has shifted to new levels yet again, and I suppose it will take me a little time to adjust to it. At times there were uncomfortable silences and nervous tensions in the air between us, mostly due to the stupid things going on in my head. I'd told him extensively about my mental state before the trip. I didn't want to worry him, but I knew if one of my moods hit it would possibly trouble him. I know I'm no fun when I'm in that state, and I was worried about being an ever-present burden that he had to put up with for the week. I became obsessive about trying not to make myself a nuisance. I did the dishes constantly. I tried not to interrupt him when he was working on music or watching TV or listening to music. I tried to will myself smaller, attempting to make myself as much of a non-presence as possible so I wouldn't interrupt his daily routine.

In essence, my moments of insanity ruined what could have been a great visit. And i didn't even have the decency to explain why I was acting so crazy. What parts of it I can explain, that is. There are some parts I haven't figured out, and some parts that I'm not ready to talk about. My mouth doesn't know how to make those words yet. And I'm not so sure if he's ready to hear some of the things going on inside my head.

I'll try to tell him as much as I can in an email sometime this week. I owe it to him.

It's really hard to be in this situation; part of me wants to tell him everything and accept the mental support he wants to give, and part of me stubbornly refuses to discuss things, too worried about what his reaction would be, preferring instead to act all weird and quiet.

What the hell is wrong with me? I can't even talk to one of my best friends without getting bitchy and defensive. I can't have a relaxing vacation like a normal person. At times, I can't bring myself to like me.

And tomorrow i go back to losing my identity in the corporate world. And all the problems I didn't pack with me on the trip are waiting at home in ambush, and I haven't got a clue where to begin to deal with them.

It was nice to pretend they didn't exist though, if only for a week. It was nice to make the real world go away for a little while.

Time check. 5 hours, 25 minutes. My, I write slow.

How long before I learn to deal with Life effectively?

(I'm doing better now. Chalk a lot of it up to the insomnia, but I was really in a self-degrading mood this morning. I'm home now, safe and sound. I feel bad for Roger Mexico that I was so moody and such a pain to deal with all week. Hopefully it didn't mess up our visit too badly. I'm not saying things are perfect right now, but I'm not in the same frame of mind as I was when I originally wrote this post. I'm not sure how to completely fix me, but I have a few ideas, and a few pages of the instrction manual are a bit clearer now. I've figured some things out, but I'm not quite sure how to apply the knowledge I've gained.

Baby steps. I won't get there tomorrow, but hopefully I'll get there eventually.)