A Change in Plans

Another night where sleep eludes me. Hopefully if I post, I'll be able to stop my brain from whirring around inside my head enough to get a few hours of rest.

My vacation plans have changed. Originally I was planning to spend a week at Sirius Rising with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, JohnnyB, Hacksaw, and other friends. But at the last minute, I changed my mind.

It comes as no secret to those who know me that I've been going through some tough times. Some of it is easily explained (job stress, the departure of Roger Mexico), but a lot of it is related to deep seated traumas that happened years ago, and still have a tendency to surface at the most inopportune moments. And some of it is a complete mystery to even me.

It's been getting steadily worse, ranging from the occasional bad day to the point when my emotions are in complete control (but have yet to receive their drivers' license). Sometimes I have no idea who's driving my brain, but I feel like a passenger in the back of a taxi that knows this can't possibly be the shortest way to the airport.

Lately it's been showing up when I'm around large groups of people, especially if the majority of the group are strangers. I've ranged from internal comments of "What the hell am I doing here? Get me out, NOW!" to full blown major panic attacks. The warning signs have been getting louder and brighter - buzzing neon signs that continually blink "You have a problem. Do something about it."

After the last warning sign announced itself, not by blinking excitedly but by smacking me hard across the face, I sat back and did some major thinking. The result, after a lot of tear-filled evenings and emails, is that I am not going to Sirius Rising next week. Given my unpredictability in situations as of late, I figured it wouldn't be a good idea to attend a week-long workshop where I'd be socializing with tons of new people who could set me off with a word.

Instead, I will be spending the week with Roger Mexico in The Middle of Nowhere, Pennsylvania. In doing this, I will accomplish a lot of things. I'll get out of town, thereby making it an official vacation (plane ride and all!). I'll have a lot of time to myself during the day to write or veg or whatever, to try to sort out whatever wiring has gone bad in my head. I'm no professional, but I don't see the need to call someone in to fix things if it's something I can manage with a little time and a psychological screwdriver. And of course, it will allow me the opportunity to see Roger Mexico, whom I have missed terribly.

I submitted my bid to Priceline and it was approved. I have confirmation; I'm Philly bound Saturday morning, by way of Detroit. (Briefly off topic - why are my layovers always in Detroit? I have flown on a total of four vacations, this one included, and the only ones with layovers ditched me in the Motor City. Am I going to be thrown out of an airport bar again because of my cigarettes?)

To be honest, this is all very scary to me. I've never made my own airline reservations; I've never travelled alone. And now here I sit with a big chunk of change withdrawn from my checking account and a printed itinerary of Northwest flights. It's a bit nerve-wracking. I have to remind myself that people do this everyday, and I am fully capable of checking in my luggage and finding my gate without someone holding my hand.

Roger Mexico seems to be worried that I'm going to be bored in his new hometown during the daytime while he's away at work. He's assured me that he basically lives in the center of town, so there will be plenty of things within walking distance for me to check out. He's talking a weekend trip to New York City. I've explained that I don't need to be entertained, and I'd be perfectly happy with hanging out with him and the kitties doing nothing, just like we used to do when he lived a few blocks away. (Well, except this time we'd have cable.) But if I have to spend a weekend in the Big Apple, I'll manage somehow. Sigh.

(Side note to Crew: still not definite on plans yet, but I swear I will let you know if we require the tourguiding expertise offered up by J and yourself. At the least, I'd love to meet for a cup of coffee, or whatever it is that you drink. Although the meeting of two such intellects could be a dangerous proposition, and I'm pretty much letting Roger Mexico plan this whole shebang. He's being good enough to put with me for nine days solid; I don't want to push my luck asking for more.)

I still feel a bit bad about bailing on the original plans, but I just have a feeling that this is a much better game plan to clear my head. I didn't want to run the risk of me sulking in my tent, while Rosencrantz tried to lure me out for Hacksaw's drumming workshop. Lately, I've found myself more comfortable explaining the inner-workings of my head to Roger Mexico, so I think the chances of me becoming a complete basket case around him are much smaller. Not that most of my other friends haven't been supportive in regards to what's going on with me lately: Rosencrantz sent me a lovely email offering whatever help she can provide, and Zappagirl and I spent a lengthy evening discussing it. Jools has offered up support at work. And of course Roger Mexico and Crew have sent incredibly wonderful emails reassuring me that the problems at hand are not as insurmountable as they seem.

Thanks, all of you. It means a lot, and makes me feel much less alone and small and nicotine-stained. (Sorry. I'd written that phrase years ago for a character in a story I never finished, and I've been dying to use it for quite some time. Pardon me while I check that off my "to do" list.)

I hope I'm making the right decision. I'm in a pretty fragile mental state at the moment, and I'm not really enjoying it. I've been trying to keep it from interfering with this page, since "depressed online journalist" does not make "interesting reading." However, I also don't want to lie here. Sometimes it's really fun pretending to be one of the beautiful people, but sometimes this page is just me, warts and all. I just want to get back to being the overcaffeinated cynical ingenue that you all know and like a bit.

And all of this talk of vacation reminds me that I really must work on expanding this site. I need to have a place to put vacation photos, after all.