The Weed-Out Course

"I finally got some sense knocked into me...and I've got the bump to prove it." - Simba, The Lion King

More and more, I'm finding out that Life constantly has lessons to teach us. Many of us learn quickly and skip ahead to the next chapter. Some of us get stuck in the remedial class and have to repeat lessons over and over until what we are supposed to learn finally sinks in. And sometimes what Life has to teach us is unpleasant and painful.

Me? I'm on the remedial curve in a lot of ways, but there seems to be one particular lesson I've had difficulty with....

Oftentimes I have the tendency to give people a lot more credit than they deserve. I overlook people's faults, forgive too easily, give the benefit of the doubt when I should just walk away.

Take this weekend, for example. On Friday night, a friend of mine let me down in a big way. He'd done the exact same thing to me months ago, and I forgave him, chalking it up to a moment of insensitivity. It seemed impossible that history would repeat itself, that he would screw up that badly again.

Nothing is impossible, I suppose.

So late Friday night, I found myself absolutely livid and driving to Rosencrantz's to blow off some steam, mentally kicking myself for laying my trust out on the line to be destroyed again.

There's a fine line between being nice and being a doormat. Let's just say I've had more than my fair share of muddy footprints tracked across my back.

I'm cursed, you see. I'm a victim of the Nice Girl gene. I'm not going to say I'm perfect (far from it), but I was raised to believe that people are basically good at heart. I was raised to believe that if you care about someone, you treat them with respect and compassion. I was raised to believe that forgiveness is good and holding grudges is rather useless.

As a result of this learned belief system, I've sometimes trusted people I shouldn't have. I've buried my anger when I shouldn't have. I've pored over situations where people have wronged me, looking for a place to lay the blame upon myself. In some cases, I've found so much fault in my own actions that I find myself apologizing for things I haven't even done, making up paranoid and delusional scenarios where every move I make is the wrong one.

The worst part is sometimes I'm fully aware that I'm setting myself up for the big letdown as I'm doing it, and when it happens I can't even say, "I should've know better." BECAUSE I DID.

That was the case this weekend, and after spending a fair amount of time mentally berating myself and wallowing in self pity, I read this and found myself crying in front of the computer yet again. Damn. Maybe I should be watching Oprah. At the very least, I owe pamie a drink if I ever meet her.

Maybe the reason why I find it hard to stand up for myself and express anger when merited is that I'm afraid of coming off as an insensitive bitch. I've been on the receiving end more than once, and I would never want to send that kind of emotional ickiness someone's way.

To the offending party's credit, I don't think he intentionally meant to screw me over. (See what I mean? I'm doing it again!) I think he's an OK person who just has the tendency to be too self-centered. Does that make him a horrible person? No. It just means he's most apt to think of himself, sometimes at the expense of other.

So do I remain friends with him or take his name out of my phone book?

See, that's where the moral judgement comes in, and that's the part I'm bad at. There's so much to factor in. How long you've known the person, how close a friend they really are, how many times they've screwed up before, how many times they were supportive in times of need. The level of their transgression. The depth of their integrity. Add all that together, then factor in what you heart tells you about the situation.

I never was very good at chemical equations.

I'm not sure what my decision is yet in this situation. I'm not fully sure how to apply the lesson I've learned to everyday life. But I have learned one thing: for every person in your life that sucks at any given time, there's at least four who don't. Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Roger Mexico, and Zappagirl - thanks again. You're all the best.

(And after I've re-read what I've wrote, I realize that this could be interpreted by some of my readers to be about JohnnyB. No no no. Nothing of the kind. Johnny, you know I still love you, baby. Even though you piss me off sometimes.)