Reality Bites, The Television Series

Big shout out to my parents for inviting me to dinner and letting me borrow their computer. You guys rock.

Well, that bad train wreck of a television program called Big Brother is finally over.

I grudgingly admit that I watched more than one show. (Actually, in retrospect I'm ashamed to say I watched more than five minutes.) For about a week and a half, I was watching pretty regularly. I think someone had been slipping crack in my morning coffee. Yeah, that's it. It had nothing to do with the fact that at the beginning, the idea sounded kind of interesting.

I was over at JohnnyB's watching television the night the Houseguests were sequestered into their Ikea crackerbox. We were flipping channels, looking for something to hold our interest for longer than thirty seconds. "This sucks," JohnnyB lamented. "There is absolutely nothing decent on."

And then we stumbled upon it. Julie Chen, excitedly introducing the contestants to the viewing public. "What the hell is this?" he asked.

I'd read a little bit about the premise, and explained the rules as I understood them. "It's kinda like that Survivor show, except they're going to be in this house with no outside contact, and the public gets to decide who gets voted out. And they're going to be on camera 24/7."

"Weird."

"I agree. I see a psychology experiment gone bad. Someone's gonna go nuts. I know I would."

"No, you wouldn't. You could just bring a notebook and write for three months."

"I don't think they're allowed to bring in notebooks. Or books or anything. That would make for rather boring TV."

JohnnyB pondered this for a moment or two. "Man, this is just a screwed up idea. We may actually have to watch."

And like I said, I watched for a week or so, when there was nothing else on. (I don't have cable, so I have rather limited choices.) I watched and waited for something interesting to happen. And waited. And waited. It was like watching paint dry, except I think I would have rather watched the paint. I turned the TV off, and swore never to watch again. And for the most part, I kept my vow. I watched a few seconds here and there, on commerical breaks. It was easier to keep up with the shenanigans (or lack thereof) online, on the MightyBigTV forums. And more entertaining. The folks who were posting were hilarious. I stopped watching the show completely, and became obsessed with reading the boards.

It turned out that I wasn't the only one who had the guilty secret called Big Brother. Nearly everyone who posted to the forum questioned their own sanity for even watching one show, and figured that the fact that they kept coming back for more punishment was a sure sign that they were ready for a private room with padded wallpaper. But still they watched. It was like a ten car pileup on the expressway. No one really wanted to watch, but something sick and twisted deep inside refused to allow them to look away.

So now the show is over, and Eddie, the last Hamster in the cage, has gone home to count his $500,000.00. (I'll admit it, I watched tonight. Well, kind of. I was at my parents' house, and they're babysitting my niece for the weekend. It's hard to concentrate on much when a small child is running back and forth in front of the television, asking you to read her a book.) And I do have a few things to say about this "entertainment program," and all of the other "reality" programming, for that matter....

Please, for the love of God, don't ever do this to us again. Do you hate the viewing public that much? Is everyone in the entertainment business out of fresh ideas? Were the executives at CBS doing acid when they greenlighted this piece of crap? Have we truly gotten to the point where all of the originality is gone, and the best we can do is show ten boring people locked in a house talking about nothing of consequence and dying each other's hair? Or sixteen people stranded on purpose on an island, eating rats and building shelters, plotting about who they're going to vote off the island in that night's tribal council? A bunch of guys auditioning for the latest second-rate boy band?

This is the kind of programming that makes Two Guys and a Girl look like Shakespeare in comparison.

I've had it with this whole "reality TV" thing. The Real World was stale after they kicked out Puck and Pedro died. I avoided the Survivor addiction, and I was more than a bit too old to care about who was Making the Band. The only reality shows that I watched where I didn't feel unclean afterwards were The 1900 House on PBS and Hopkins 24/7, which is more of a weekly documentary than one of these contrived "let's throw people into a situation and see what happens" shows.

But it's over, for the moment. The jury is still out as to whether CBS will attempt another season of Big Brother, Survivor II won't start for a while, and O-Town is not exactly breathing down 'N*Sync's neck on the pop charts. The new seasons are starting, giving me dozens of new shows with scripts to ridicule and loathe. The public can sleep at night again, knowing that the next few months of television will actually have plots that can be summarized in TV Guide.

Or so I thought. Until I saw the commercial for The Real World - now in syndication. (Check your local listings.)

I'll just tape the New York shows. And Los Angeles. And maybe San Francisco. And maybe...

Someone, please help me.