TMI?
Have I said too much? There's nothing more
I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true...
- "Don't Cry for Me Argentina", Evita
Hope I didn't scare anyone too bad with last night's post. I'm fine, really. I've been through much worse than this and managed to survive. I'm not saying I'm having a fun or easy time going through where my head is at right now, but there's no need to start fitting me for a straitjacket or booking a room with padded wallpaper.
After posting last night, I thought about if what I had written was over the limit of what I should have shared in this format. When writing an online journal, there's always two different ways of looking at what to include and what to leave out. Since I chose to make Acid Covered Espresso Beans open to the public, I am acknowledging that anyone can have access to what I write. I have accepted that I have an audience, and in some way I need to inform or entertain. Without those elements, anyone who stumbled across my site would maybe read it, and move on, having no reason to stick around or return. I'm sure many people have read what I write, found it underwhelming and gone elsewhere. Thems the breaks. I cannot be all things to all people.
But on the other hand, it's my journal. I can put anything on here that I choose, without regard for my audience. If I choose to document that I'm going completely insane, or voice my political views, or talk about the dirt under my fingernails, that's my prerogative.
Ah, the double-edged sword of free speech.
This has been the subject of discussion at one of the forums I read on a regular basis. How personal is too personal when you publish online? Where is the line that shouldn't be crossed? Just because you can say it, does it mean you should?
I think the question lies in who you are writing for - your audience or yourself. Yes, I know that I have a few good souls out there that read what I have to say from time to time, and occasionally offer feedback. They've been kind to this point, but I'm sure that even my most dedicated readers don't agree with every word I type. I don't expect them to. I'm no expert on anything and I hold no answers to the great mysteries of Life; I'm just offering up opinions and observations. It's the readers' right to take what I've put out there and use it as they see fit in their lives. (Well, unless you're plagarizing, and then I'm kicking your butt.) What I say may make you laugh or cry, it may make you see things in a new light, or it may make you throw things and mutter obscenities under your breath. That's why you have a brain, after all - to think what you want.
For the most part, though, I write my posts mostly for me. Like I said way back when I started here, I wanted to get into a habit of writing something on a semi-regular basis, and I have a tendency to write what I know. When I'm happy or excited about something, I feel comfortable posting without hesitation. I want to share my joy with whoever wants to read about it. If I have an opinion that I feel strongly about, I will most likely post it here. (After doing research to enhance what I'm writing about...and that's usually where I get bogged down. Someday, I swear, my rants on banned books, controversial art, and the cultural definition of beauty will see the light of day. I just have a lot of editing to do to make them coherent.)
Unfortunately, writing what I know isn't always lollipops and rainbows. Sometimes being me really sucks, and I often have doubts about whether I should share my difficult experiences with my readers. I feel bad about taking all of you along for the ride. After all, if you had wanted a one-way ticket to Crazyland, you'd be reading Prozac Nation (Elizabeth Wurtzel is a much better writer than I am) or you'd be watching Girl, Interrupted. (Believe me, no matter how good I think I might look at any particular moment, I'm no Angelina Jolie. Or Winona Ryder, for that matter.)
What usually wins out, though, is that I feel obligated not to lie to you folks. Most of my readers (that I'm aware of) are people I know from somewhere besides the computer, but there are others of you who I've never met and have only conversed with via email. And for all I know, I may have a bunch of other readers that check my site on a semi-regular basis, but have never stopped by to say hello. Some of you have been here since the beginning and stuck around for the long haul. How could I not be honest with you? It's been said that a problem shared is a problem halved, and the same can be said for writing about the unpleasantries of my day-to-day life. Getting it out in the open feels a lot better than holding it in. Sometimes writing here is like talking to a friend. A lot of the time it's good stuff, but sometimes it's break-out-the-Kleenex, cry-on-your-shoulder kind of stuff.
I know I'm not the only one who goes through this dilemma of what's too personal to talk about. I've followed pamie through her experiences during a colposcopy, the sickness and death of her cat (I cried all the way through it), and most recently, the breakup of her relationship with her live-in boyfriend. None of it was pleasant to read, I'm sure she had a difficult time writing about it, but I felt privileged that she felt comfortable enough to share those parts of her life with me (and her other readers). It made her more human, more interesting, more real. If what she wrote was all style and no substance, I'd have given up long ago.
I'm sure there are some things I will never talk about here. I'm sure I'll write about things that some of you won't want to hear. Listen to me, don't listen to me, take my message and make an origami swan out of it. It's up to you. It's up to me. It may not be art, but it's part of me. And, no matter how ugly it may be, that's what makes it OK.
Enough of this ethical debate. After my oh-so-serious blather, go check out the latest installment of Survivor: Monster Island on Destroy All Monsters. Musashi has T-shirts now! Give him some love (and your money)!