Confessions

I'm really ashamed to admit this.

After watching "Late Night with David Letterman" this evening, I've just come to the realization that I've got a horrible crush on Keanu Reeves. Embarrassing, huh?

Now, I'll be the first to admit that his name will never follow the phrase "And the Oscar goes to...." I'm still cringing over the fact that, at one point, he played Hamlet on stage. "Shakespeare" and "Keanu Reeves" should be mutally exclusive topics. (Don't believe me? Watch Much Ado About Nothing. He's the EEEEEEVIL little wooden boy. His first line is "I thank you. I am not of many words, but I thank you." The preview audience I saw it with applauded at this point. Half of us were adding "dude" to every single line he uttered. And at the end, when he gets his comeuppance, Kenneth Branaugh whispers to Denzel Washington, "Think not on him till to-morrow. I'll devise thee brave punishments for him." My roommate leaned over and added, "Make him watch his scenes in Bram Stoker's Dracula. It was punishment for me.")

Actually, I have a theory about the acting ability of Mr. Reeves. You see, there are movies he's not bad in. My theory is thus: Keanu Reeves is only good in movies where he can be described as a dude. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Dude. Good. Dangerous Liasons? Not a dude. Not very good. Parenthood? Dude. Good. (He actually has one of the best lines in the movie, about fatherhood.) My Own Private Idaho? Not really a dude. Not really that good. (Yeah, I know that lots of people liked that movie, but after watching Keanu do his faux-Prince Hal thing, I was just as narcoleptic as River Phoenix. See above rule about Keanu and the Bard.) Speed? A cop, but still kind of a dude. Only a dude would answer with "Shoot the hostage." And while that movie will never be celebrated in the history of film, it was an fun two hours at the theater. (At least in the opinion of the group I saw the movie with.)

And even though he really wasn't much of a dude, I didn't totally hate him in The Devil's Advocate. Awful accent, cheesy goodness.

I can't offer up my opinions on Point Break, as I've never gotten around to seeing it, but I've heard it was a goofy fun little action movie. And he was an F. B. I. Agent. (Dude.)

And come on, admit it. You liked him in The Matrix. His most memorable lines were "Whoa" and "I know kung fu." He did most of his own stunts. He didn't have to be smart. (Hell, even the Oracle pegged him - "Not too bright.") He just had to stand there and look pretty and confused, and kick Agent Smith's ass.

Which brings me to the main problem. Keanu, while not being the best actor of his generation, is damn pretty. While I'll never be adding A Walk in the Clouds to my Netflix cue, I'll sigh dreamily at Keanu in romantic soft focus. He has aged quite gracefully (does he look 39 to you?) from Ted "Theodore" Logan to a very attractive man who can rock a suit like nobody's business. (Or that cassock thing he wore in The Matrix Reloaded.)

To make matters more confusing in the crush department, he comes off as a genuinely sweet guy. He gives good interview on late night talk shows. He seems to lead as private a life as possible, given his career. (And in the age of Bennifer, that's a really good thing in my book.) He seems to enjoy what he's doing, whether it be making critcally lambasted movies or playing bass in a band that probably never would've been signed if he hadn't been in it.

And according to the highly unreliable IMDB, he loves ballroom dancing. (Swoon.) He may not be a rocket scientist (he's admitted it himself - "I'm a meathead man. You've got smart people, and you've got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb."), but he's charming.

I guess it's the charming part that gets me. I tend to fall for personalities rather than looks. I've known and dated beautiful men that had the personality of a bowl of Grape Nuts. I've known and dated not-so-beautiful men that were fascinating. The fascinating ones always lasted longer than the cereal boys.

(And yes, I've known and dated beautiful men that were fascinating. I've been lucky like that. )

So go ahead, ridicule me. I'll be watching the charming pretty boy kick multiple Hugo Weaving butt in the latest installment of the stupid tecnobabble philosophy movie.