Open Letter to Chris Carter

(Author's note: This is what happens when I can't sleep, and everyone has bailed out of the online spades rooms. Do not try this at home.)


Dear Mr. Carter,

How dare you?

My loathing of you cannot be measured at this point. I had been a loyal viewer of The X Files for years. I even sat through your mediocre movie. But your plot directions in the last two years have confused the hell out of me.

First off, last year's finale was evil. It was evil and pointless. You left poor Scully pregnant for something like 14 months, and then after bringing back Mulder from his abduction (or was it? who can tell the way you've messed up the conspiracy plot...), you had to write him in as the father of the Miracle Baby. Remember? Scully had no ovaries, after you miraculously cured her cancer. But somehow Spooky knocked her up. You want to explain that one?

So you wrapped up last season with a big smooch between Mulder and Scully, and ticked off half of your viewers. I know I threw things at the screen. I know that I almost didn't want to show the finale tape to Roger Mexico, because he'd be angry too.

I gave you a chance to redeem yourself with the season premiere this year. And I lost interest in 10 minutes. Too many new characters, and a crappy way to explain David Duchovny's absence this season. He just disappeared. Lame, lame, lame.

So I stopped watching your show. You'd killed off the interesting villains (Krychek, Cigarette Smoking Man) and left the basement office in the hands of Doggett and that twit Reyes. Gillian Anderson was phoning in her performances, stuck teaching at the FBI Academy and assisting with the occasional autopsy. I was glad when I heard that the show was in danger of being cancelled, and your announcement to pull the show while it was still "on top" and "a strong show" was just laughable. The show jumped the shark two years ago, and the fan base was abandoning the show like rats deserting a sinking ship.

So tonight, in the aptly titled "Jump the Shark," you brought back the Lone Gunmen and all of their buddies from their failed spin off. (I personally liked The Lone Gunmen, even though it was only so-so. It was wacky with touches of seriousness, the opposite of The X Files. The characters were fun.) And you brought back Michael McKean as Morris Fletcher. Even if I hadn't wandered back to watch the Burt Reynolds episode two weeks ago, you knew that the casting for this episode would draw me back into the fold. And seeing Mitch Pileggi back in the opening credits was nice, since I'd been missing Skinner for the last two weeks.

And then... WHAM! You kick me in the stomach.

You killed them, you bastard. I figured one of them was going to die, and I was sitting on my couch trying to decide which one I could bear to part with, and you killed all three of them at once. In a cheesy, Wrath of Khan /Spock's death/"sacrifice for the greater good" scene. Hell, you even copied the hands on opposite sides of the glass moment.

And to make matters worse, Scully and Skinner were only in the last scene - the funeral aftermath. What'd they have, two lines each? And poor Mulder couldn't even come back to mourn his friends, because he's still the subject of a massive manhunt, and you're holding the Duchovny ace until the series finale.

And you know what the worst part is? You've sucked me back in. I have to know what other stupid moves you've got in store for the last four episodes. And for this I had to abandon Vincent D'Onofrio and Law and Order: Criminal Intent.

Hate you, hate you, hate you.

Yes, I know. You didn't write this episode. But as executive producer and creator, I would have thought that you'd care a little bit more about your fan base. Guess you've been hit in the head with your surfboard one too many times, huh? Wasn't letting Morgan and Wong slip through your fingers bad enough?

You screwed up Millenium. Harsh Realm was lame. The Lone Gunmen was in the Friday night Death Slot, and never had a chance. And now you've made a big old mess of your favorite child. I should stop watching and go back to just reading Jessica's recaps on Television Without Pity. At this point, I'm more involved with her side plot involving her Mulder and Scully action figures.

Do you hate us, Chris? If you drive off the last few people watching your now incomprehensible show, who will go to see the next movie?

To paraphrase Mulder's UFO poster in the office, I wanted to believe. But if the truth really is out there, I doubt you know where it is.


No love,

myopic