How to Waste a Sunny Sunday Afternoon

I purchased a new DVD player on Saturday night.

In a way, it was an impulse buy. I'd really only gone to Meijer to get Q-Tips and a few other much needed toiletries, but I started impulse shopping a little bit while I was there. My favorite cheap wine was on sale, and I decided it had been much too long since I'd had a breakfast that consisted of more than a Diet Coke and a few Girl Scout Cookies to wash down the daily handful of sundry vitamins and supplements. I decided to take advantage of the fact that I actually had a half gallon of milk in my refrigerator that hadn't yet gone bad, and tossed some hash browns, bacon, and orange juice into my cart to go with the scrambled eggs I planned on making the next morning.

I window shopped longingly in the coffeemaker aisle and the vacuum cleaner display. (My coffeemaker works just fine, but it would be wonderful to have one with a timer. After all, flipping that little switch in the morning takes so much effort when your eyes are still adjusting to the cruel light of day. As for the vacuum, my current model has gone on strike against the layer of cat and human hair in my apartment. I'm sure the cats shed more than I do, but mine is much longer and brighter and therefore more visible. I'd probably be better off running a giant lint brush across the carpet.) Bathroom accessories that don't match the color scheme... pretty candleabras that I have no place for... and the video aisle.

I'd been talking about hooking up a cheap DVD player to the ancient TV/VCR in my bedroom for ages. Most of my good movies are on DVD, and my VHS collection has been showing its age as of late. (Well, I probably should run the head cleaner more often, but the wear and tear has started to show on my videotapes.) And after coming across a halfway decent player for less than 50 bucks, I decided to bite the bullet and move on to the checkout lane.

(I kicked around the idea of getting a wireless phone jack for the bedroom, but decided against it. My phone only rings with real calls - ones that aren't wrong numbers or telemarketers asking my opinions on Martha Stewart - three times a week on average, so I found myself unable to rationalize blowing $70.00 on the hookup and the phone. Less than $50.00 for the opportunity to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or a few episodes of Wonderfalls on a Saturday morning when I didn't feel like getting out of bed? See, that's a justifiable expense.)

I went home and unpacked my purchases, the contents of the DVD box strewn across the futon. Remote. Batteries. Three cables. One for S-Video - don't need that one. Yellow tipped cable for video. Audio cables tipped in red and white. AC cord. I moved the dresser away from the wall and plugged the AC cord into the surge protector. Yellow cable goes there, and the red and white cables go... uh oh.

There was only one audio input on the back of my television.

After consulting with Zappagirl, I confirmed my suspicions that I needed a Y cable or adaptor of some sort. So after my large breakfast on Sunday morning, I decided to take in an afternoon showing of The Incredibles and set out in search of my hookup.

I headed for the Tri-County Best Buy, hoping to kill two birds with one stone. Roger Mexico had given me a good review on the director's cut of Donnie Darko, and Meijer didn't have it on Saturday night. I found it on sale, browsed the DVD section for a bit, and headed over to the audio department.

After perusing the cable selections, I came to the conclusion that they didn't have what I was looking for. Well, they did, but I couldn't justify spending $20.00 to hook up a $42.97 DVD player to an 11-year-old TV. A sales associate walked past and offered his assistance. I explained my situation, and waved the red and white cord in his face to punctuate my plight.

He gave me the sympatheic and understanding "aw, the little girl doesn't understand the manly man technology" smile and pulled a bag from the pegboard. I thanked him and headed off to the checkout lane, a bit confused that I hadn't spotted that particular cable.

While waiting in the checkout line, I examined the cable that the all-knowing blueshirt had given me. It was an RCA cable; it was a Y cable. It also was a 2-pronged jack to mini-jack cable, which would've been great if I was trying to connect my DVD player to my Discman. I returned the cable to the pegboard, grabbed a pack of AAA batteries (since the cats had managed to lose the included batteries while I was talking about cable woes to Zappagirl), and paid for my copy of Donnie Darko. (Which was on sale for $19.99 this week. Score!)

I headed over to the mall in search of a Radio Shack. For some reason, I had a vague recollection of one somewhere there, but it seemed to be gone (if it had ever existed in the first place). Maybe it had vacated to make room for the Hot Topic or something. At any rate, it was nowhere to be found on the directory. I headed on to the Circuit City. (I have no brand loyalty, especially after being given the wrong cable by someone who gets paid to know better.)

Circuit City had the $20.00 cord, and none of the red shirts seemed to be interested in helping me. I made a break for the door and headed across the street to the H.H. Gregg, where I found a $30.00 cable and no one that even acknowledged my existance. Three strikes, not counting the non-existant Radio Shack. Yer out, Tri-County.

I tried to call Zappagirl on her cel phone, hoping she could point me in the direction of the closest Radio Shack, and got her voice mail. Damn. I glanced the time on my cel phone: 5:30. If I booked it back to Norwood, I could make it to the Radio Shack in Surrey Square before it closed.

I made it to Norwood by 5:50, and headed straight to the audio accessories wall at the Radio Shack. I found an adaptor that looked like it might work, and held it up to the wires I'd been carrying around in my pocket all day. It looked right, but I didn't want to make any mistakes. I took it up to the counter for a second opinion.

The salesclerk at the register confirmed that the adaptor would fit my cable, and asked why I needed it. I explained the single audio input on my TV, and he shook his head before I'd finished my thought.

"You don't need this," he remarked. "If your TV is mono, just hook up the white cable. You don't need the red one."

Seeing as how he would be losing a sale (a small one, but 4 bucks is 4 bucks) with his advice, I decided he was being honest and went home empty-handed. Sure enough, the white cord was all I needed, and I now have a DVD player (and another remote) in my bedroom.

So, yeah, it was a wasted afternoon, but it had a happy ending. If only it hadn't been an unseasonably sunny day while I was driving fruitlessly around from store to store, my anger fueled by the White Zombie and Smashing Pumpkins selections on the radio. If only I hadn't been overdressed while I was running my errands. (The coat I was wearing was much too heavy, but it was easier to wear it than to carry it over my arm, making the pockets that contained my wallet and cel phone and keys even more difficult to rummage around in.)

I have a new DVD player. And it's supposed to snow tomorrow. So much for taking advantage of the nice weather.