Ow, My Head

(I apologize in advance for my drunken liberal ramblings. What follows is a very one-sided and opinionated recap of George W. Bush's acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, originally sent as an email to non-TV-havin' Roger Mexico, with editorial comments by Captain Morgan.)

(WARNING! This entry drops the F-bomb a lot. I get worked up when I've had a drink and watch political stuff.)

(Yes, I always talk to Roger Mexico with little-to-no capitalization. I'm a rebel like that.)

(Transcript of speech here, if you'd like to follow along. I cannot believe I just linked to that site, but it needs to be made public, right? Not that it will make my drunken rantings make any more sense.)

(The FBI is reading my journal right now, aren't they? Hi, guys! Welcome! Check out the Rhino Cam!)

(This is an awful lot of comments in parentheses, don't you think?)

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so, i guess it's obvious that i'm drunk or a masochist or both.

i'm watching w accept the republican nomination at the rnc. if i wasn't talking back to the television, i think my head might explode.

jumpin' giant jesus on a pogo stick (which is being built a few miles away... must tell you 'bout that sometime...)! to reiterate a much cliched slogan, i love my country, but i fear my government.

ok, he's talking about simplifying the tax codes. has this man ever filled out his own 1040. no, because math involving more than two digits confuses the chimp.

gah... health insurance... must not throw tv out window. where the fuck's the rum?

ownership society? we're all in debt, moron! and still he blathers on... oh, crap. no, not the personal savings social security. more rum.

don't fucking talk to me about education reform, w. i deal with these people every day. cough up the bucks. tests ain't the answer to everything.

oh, crap. he just attempted spanish. i shudder at the pronunciation errors.

oh great. more tests at a higher level in math and science. where the hell's the money???

the delegates scare me. and he just plugged his web address.

ah, and now we start the mudslinging... i don't think i have enough alcohol in my apartment. oh, good god, now he's started in on family values.

"unborn child" reference: 10:38 pm

faith-based charities. marriage is sacred between one man and one woman blah blah blah liberal judgescakes. defense of marriage act <> conservative values. ow, my head. where the fuck is the rum?

tara-ism. don't get me started. cheesy 9/11 plug. rah rah rah go usa! (and the crowd joins in.)

yeah, pre-emptive strikes rock, w. you want to be the full-time war president, don'tcha?

hey! protesters! yay, protesters! you go with your anti-war selves! (as i sit comfortably on my couch, grinning like an idiot.)

blah blah. we killed a lot of people. and because of OUR clear moral decsions, we rule. did he just mention "weapons of mass destruction"? good god man. drop it, already.

i feel like i'm in church. this man is preaching to me. and i ain't buying what he's selling.

can i just comment on the special stage built for him? george w. bush in the round. what. the . hell? this is NOT a rock star president.

MUST BUY COPY OF FAHRENHEIT 9/11 ON FIRST DAY. michael moore may be biased as hell, but at least it's a sign of moral sanity. up is down here, people.

HOLY CRAP! was that britney spears? what the hell?

(and then i get distracted looking for a confirmation on the britney sighting. damn, i'm a loser, but i want to make sure i'm not completely insane. c'mon fametrackers!)

generations will blah blah blah. um, generations will be paying off the debt you created.

w attempts a bit of stand up comedy. um, no.

another 9/11 plug. more sad war stories. and morality. and liberty. and character. (dear george, please call lila lipscomb.) and, oh have i mentioned 9/11 yet? (glamour shot of rudy guiliani)

oh my. he's paraphrasing the bible. or the byrds. a time for sadness, a time for struggle, a time for rebuilding. And now we have reached a time for hope. to everything, turn, turn, turn.

um, what about the unemployment issues? outsourcing? WHERE'S THE MONEY COMING FROM, IF YOU'RE NOT RAISING TAXES? guess we'll leave that as a not-so-happy inheritance?

ow, ow, ow, my head. will staying up until midnight to hear john kerry's midnight ohio rally make me feel better, or only make my head hurt worse?

aw, tom brokaw is saying bye-bye to his last political committee. kinda sweet. i've always liked tom.

must go reaquaint myself with captain morgan. and start worrying about november.
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And, now that I've sent an email that will put me on that scary liberal watch list, I suppose I'll watch that subversive David Letterman and go to bed. My job as an American is done.